Should Queer Parents Have Zingers Ready for Boneheaded Questions?

My wife and I are the queer mothers of a baby. We would like some zingers to use for the surprising number of people who say stupid things to us — for instance, “What are your mom names?” (We’re both Mom, duh!) We are friends with our sperm donor, and sometimes people refer to him as our baby’s “dad,” which is also annoying. And many women feel the need to tell us that they would never allow their boyfriends to donate sperm. (Got it! We won’t ask for any.) I wish that these things didn’t annoy us, but they do. And we’d like to experiment with comebacks. What have you got?

MOM

Congratulations on the baby! Over my long gay life, I have known dozens of gay and lesbian parents, and in every case, their children used different names for each parent to distinguish between them: Mom and Mama, Daddy and Pop, and my favorite, Mommy and Pom-Pom. Your baby may not be talking yet, but when that day comes, I doubt your child will use the same name for the two most important people in his or her life. Besides, it’s such an innocuous question: Why clap back?

Don’t misunderstand me: You have no responsibility to educate other people about the mechanics of your family life. And I understand that muddled vocabularies (“dad” versus “donor”) and unsolicited feedback about family planning might get annoying. But these people wouldn’t know anything about your sperm donor if you hadn’t told them.

My feeling is that zingers are not the solution here. (I used to think they were!) But it so often feels as if there are only two camps these days: steadfast allies and sworn enemies. Slapping down nice people for clueless errors may look like fun, but there is often a bitter aftertaste, in my experience. Better to help people who are trying to understand and ignore the rest. In the absence of ill will, just focus on your wonderful family.

Speechless at a Relative’s Generosity

My husband and I are well off. We don’t have children, and we like to use our money to improve the lives of others. We were close with my late cousin’s son when he was a young child. He is now in his late 20s. When he graduated from college, we offered to help him pay off some of his substantial student loan debt. Initially, he refused, saying he didn’t need any help. But when he and his wife decided to buy a home, he changed his mind. So, for three years, we have been paying off one of his loans directly. But he’s never once thanked us! We think he must be ashamed of accepting our help. We would like to talk to him about this and offer to stop paying if that would make him feel better. We are not happy that our gift has never been acknowledged. Thoughts?

PATRON

I admire your generous impulse. And you’re probably right about your relative’s discomfort at accepting financial help from you and your husband. (His first impulse was to refuse it, after all.) It sounds as if you haven’t been close to him in years. I bet that he’s confused by your generosity and doesn’t know what to do — so, like a deer in the headlights, he does nothing!

But I don’t think the solution here is to ask for thanks or to offer to stop making the loan payments. Instead, I would invite him and his wife to dinner so you can get to know each other again. (If they live far away, a Zoom hangout to toast their anniversary or the holidays works, too.) Help him understand who you are and why you’re being so generous to him. That’s probably the best way to make him feel comfortable and appreciative of you.

A Wedding Recap for the Uninvited

I received an email from my nephew acknowledging that he hadn’t invited me to his small wedding. He said he hoped he hadn’t caused offense, but he didn’t think it would be my cup of tea. (It was held in a state park.) I wasn’t offended: I haven’t had a relationship with him in years. He also attached a link to his wedding website in case I wanted to read about it. I think it was tone-deaf to send the link to someone who wasn’t invited. You?

UNCLE

I suspect that your sibling — the parent of this groom — may have been extremely upset that you weren’t invited to the wedding. And the awkward email may have been a product of much discussion. Or it may have been a gift grab by your nephew — the cynical reader’s evergreen explanation for any wedding irregularity. But I would focus on the fact that you weren’t offended and simply move on.

‘Still or Sparkling’? We’ve Just Met!

I dine out frequently with two friends. One of them always asks the servers their names and introduces us to them. I am not comfortable with this: Servers are busy! My guess is that my friend is trying not to be elitist. I’m all for being pleasant. But is she going too far?

DINER

My favorite uncle does the same thing. After decades of watching him in action, I have only seen servers respond positively, and it doesn’t take more than a minute. So, unless your experience has been different from mine, why police your friend? Let her be herself.

For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.